:(
Wednesday at lunch I found out my most difficult student of this semester was leaving my school. The whole school was rejoicing that this child was leaving... I was about ready to cry. I know it sounds so strange. This child has made so many of my days difficult. He has made me want to give up. He has caused me grief. But he has also caused me inexpresable joy. You see because of his behavior problems I have spent a lot of time talking to him when he wasn't allowed to go to various activities because of his actions. I have watched him go from a boy who defied the world to one who thought about what he was doing, until finally two weeks ago I saw that he felt bad for his actions. He came in as a boy who looked miserable. He acted as though no one cared. Before he left Wednesday I told him how sad I was that he was leaving and he gave me another hug and said "that is for Monday". When you watch a child grow from the point of hating the world and doing whatever he wants to recognizing that his actions impact others and he should take responsibility for his actions it is amazing. I honestly developed a deep love for this child and I will miss him.
This child taught me to think so much about what grace and love is. He taught me to think about why I love. He taught me the need to pray continually. He challenged me to give him another chance when I wanted to give up on him. And in all of this I realized the grace and love Christ shows me. I realized that Christ shows me love not because of anything I had done but because of his mercy. He loved me while I was still a sinner so as I live like Christ did I must love those who are still sinners. Working with this boy everyday reminded me how easy it would be for Christ to give up on me, but yet he doesn't. Having this child in my classroom this semester has prepared me to deal with difficult students and it has strengthened my relationship with my savior. He is a child that I will not soon forget. He is a child that needs me to continue praying for him.
I have spent today working on my senior project... and it still needs a lot of work. The written part of the project is well over 20 pages. After that I probably have at least 75 pages of supporting documents. Once I get all that completed and put in a logical order I have to work on a twenty minute oral presentation. Monday night I will present this... and then my sememster will pretty much be over. I will still have a little over two weeks but I honestly won't have much to do. Right now though I must press on to finish this project!
Question...
ok... try to follow me... I have a philosophy question, but don't be scared... I don't think it is to deep... I think it is somewhat interesting...
Term you need ... Existentialism meaning "existence preceeds essence". This means there is no purpose until you create it.
This semester I have been puzzled all semester with why many people base a childs value based on their actions. Now I completely understand having difficulty working with a child or becoming frustrated, even angry, with a child... believe me I have five students who shock the school based on their behavior. But they honestly don't think mis-behaving students are valuable. This morning I began rereaching "Don't Waste Your Life" by: John Piper (an excellent book by the way... my church here read it together last year)... anyway.... In the first chapter he discusses existentialism a little bit. This is the note I wrote down after I read this and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
"Does exestentialism effect the way we view students? If existence preceeds essence then the child has no value until he acts valuable. There is no intrinsic value in that child. If he never acts valuable then he isn't valuable. My Christian worldview states that a child is valuable because he is made in the image of God. He or she is also a gift from that same God"
Does this make sense to anyone? Is exestentialism what is causing the widespread belief that some children are not valuable?
I was observed again today:) The person who observed me today had never been to my class before. I just really enjoy how everyone who comes to my class says the same thing... "You have so many immature boys" "How do you handle this everyday?"
Well that is all... my thoughts for the day... Aren't you all glad you don't have to live in this head? :)
random thoughts ... in no particular order
22 days left of student teaching!
school counselors are some of the neatest people (at least the one at Lincoln Elementary is a huge blessing!)
I love going to a school where I know my professors and other classmates are praying for me... I have discovered just this week how many people on campus know some of the things I have been going through this semester and have been praying for me... what a blessing!
I am getting paid for tomorrow because my supervising teacher will be gone so I am the sub :)
I graduate from college in less than six months and have
no idea what I will be doing (I have been offered a summer job ... that I might accept... but beyond that....)
My senior presentation is in two weeks and I am not nearly finished with it (Thanksgiving Break will definately be a time to finish!)
I never thought I would like the name Miss Ray... but hearing little children I love call me that is so sweet!
Next semester I have no classes on Friday (and only one class on Monday and Wednesday!)
I will also only be taking 14 credits... Until this point I have taken at least 17 credits
The school counselor has offered me the use of her office to come and have lunch with my students next semester whenever I want because she doesn't want them to lose my influence.
Book orders have got to be the most addicting things... I love getting new childrens books!.... good thing I am taking childrens lit next semester so I can start to organize them
As a result of classroom management issues I have spent a lot of time thinking about God's discipline and grace... if we are supposed to be like Christ, the way I discipline students must have some scriptural basis... I can't overtly tell them about God but I can show them Christ in my actions!
I love having a kitchen to use whenever I desire
I really want to move into the inner city... but actually doing it is a little scary...
My roomate and I are going to ruin our voices because of the funny tones we continually talk to each other in... if only she would sleep we could stop the game :)
I have officially dealt with my first migraine while teaching ("Miss Ray you don't look like you feel well" "Miss Ray don't throw up" no worries I didn't... but I did feel and I am sure look awful I made it through teaching the last 45 minutes of the day and then it was off to bed for Miss Ray)
Grace College has no control over where student teachers are placed... which explains a lot of the questions in my mind about my placement.
So there you have it... that is my life at this point :) Have a blessed day
why student teaching is difficult
I have never felt so many different emotions in my life. I don't ever want to go back to the class I am working with for several reasons that I can't really talk about because it would break the confidentiality code of student teachers. However, I do not ever want to leave the students in the class I am working in. I love each and every one of them in their own unique ways.
I had an assistant that I have known my whole time at Grace (she was my hall mom freshman year) tell me that she didn't even realize I have been stressed this semester. That was a relief because I don't want to be walking around the school letting students know how stressed I truly am. She went on to say that she understands exactly why (and she didn't even know I had behavior issues in my class... she knew the true reason for the stress). It makes me feel better that everyone who has experienced the person causing me stress understands why I am struggling. As my college advisor said this week while she was there on a visit "I hope you are realizing more everyday that you aren't the problem". While I am... it is a continual frustration because it would be easier to just change the thing I was doing to cause the problem where as in this I can't because it is not in my power to change the situation. And then I wonder why my college put me in this situation since they seem to have known about the problem...
The only thing I can do is follow the commands of Christ... to love those who mistreat you... to count it all joy when I face various trials, because I know that the testing of my faith produces perseverence!... to rejoice always and pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances... to not be anxious about everything but give it over to God in prayer so he can give me peace... to live a life in front of the world above reproach...
The thankful for things is the one that is probably easiest for me right now... I am thankful for my college supervisor, full of encouragment, even if she doesn't have answers and is just as frustrated with the situation as I am... I am thankful that God gave me students this semester who needed to experience unconditional love along with loving limits... I am thankful for a roomate and apartment mates that are fun and ready to encourage... I am thankful that God is always there even in a school where he is not aknowledged... I am thankful for other teachers in the school who come by to encourage me... I am thankful for parents of my students who have encouraged me... I am thankful for an old friend that I can pray with every Wednesday because that is keeping me sane... I am thankful that God is trying to build character in me through difficulty...
The thing I am struggling with the most is how to love someone who does not treat me in a loving manner... how to respond to all the negativity... how to respond to the pain of felt rejection... how can I not respond in like manner... how can I show her the love of Christ?
Fortunately I have one more day to prepare to show love and respect to this person even though it is not what I feel... it is what I must do...
Here is a quote I came accross
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."
Marilyn vos Savant
This weekend I have felt defeated by this problem due to a Friday after school occurance... but I can't give up... Monday I will get up and remember that God's strength is sufficient for me...
